Rant

[jj big shoe]

Alright, let's bring everybody up to speed...

Went wheeling late Sept. and naturally, thrashed my centerlink (also known as Nissan's toothpick). Made arrangements with Phil @ L&P to trade my Lock Right (which he recieved in a week) for a new CL and IA brace (which arrived today-go figure). Meanwhile, Ali needs to use my other car and I'm forced to drive my Pathy while doing service work all around the city for a month which wore out the outer edges of my all-but-new BFG A/T's (mo' money, mo' money...).

And that brings us to the events within the last three hours...you're sped up.

 

I get home and I'm all geeked up about putting the new beefy L&P stuff on and getting my Pathy back on the road (or back off the road, depends on how you want to look at it). Anyway, I prep my work area in the garage, pull the truck in and start at it. I unpack the CL, whip out the ginder and cut the mount for the stock steering stabilizer off so my aftermarket one will fit. I'm good to go. I jack one wheel up a little (I don't think you need to) in anticipation of having to wrestle things around a bit to get them in place. At this time I fight the imbedded masculine urge to toss the directions out and take a minute to leaf through them (mostly to read along and say "Yup, knew that, uh-huh, right...").

"You will now need to drill out the tapered holes on the pitman arm and idler arm to 5/8"". What? I have to what?

 

[Jump cut]

Ali and I are in the process of moving about 45 minutes from where I am now. She's been there with her mother for the last week setting most everything up and I've been staying here (Mom and I don't get along too well, so we figured this would be best...long story). I have my sockets and wrenches, but since she's there hanging pictures and putting new door stops in, she has the toolbox.

[back to scene]

 

Fine, I'll drill it out.

The landlord left a drill here, but it has no chuck key. No biggie, I've used it before. You just grab on to it with two channel locks and you're good. After I find the drill, I walk down the street to my Jeeper friend Matty's house to see if I can borrow a bit. Not home (I now curse him for not being home).

 

Fine, I'll go buy a bit.

I hop in my car and head for Advanced Auto Parts. I ask the pimple-faced kid behind the counter if they have any 5/8" bits (from the bewildered expression on his face, you'd think I'd asked him about quantum mechanics). He briefly pauses from fiddling with whatever behind the counter to say "Ummm..." and point in a general direction toward the right half of the store. I said "Thanks", mumbled "...asshat", and found the correct aisle. Nothing bigger than 1/2", even in a kit.

 

Fine, I'll try Ace Hardware.

Back in the car, not terribly far, to Ace Hardware (that almost rhymed). I asked the helpful hardware man my bit location querry and he took me right to them (helpful indeed). A vast array of all kinds to bore into whatever material you desire, but ony ONE 5/8" bit that cost me $23.56. I'm all about buying quality tools and such, but I'm not planning on building a skyscraper, I just need to ream out a 1/2" hole to 5/8" for God's sake. After that, It'll just lay in the top tray of my toolbox and annoy me by getting in the way when I look for a screwdriver. Whilst I'm milling about in the drill bit section trying to find a one-time use kinda bit for $.25 when...

 

*Brrinng*

It's Ali.

She says Mom's at her sisters for tonight and she wants me to come over to the new house for "snuggles and whatnot". I mentioned before that I'm all about buying quality tools, but I'm waay more all about snuggles and especially all about whatnot. But, alas, I'm currently knee deep into a project that I've been wanting to get done for over a month and have to decline. Ali is not happy, but Ali is cool like that and Ali will be ok in ten minutes or so.

 

[sidebar]

Is it me or do women really get upset when you won't adhere to their schedule? I mean, most days I don't have any plans outside the usual go to work, eat, sleep routine. But if I have something personal I need to get done which I've already told her about, she's made dinner reservations that night or something and I end up being the bastard. But I digress, that's for another rant.

[back to topic]

 

Fine, I'll buy the bit.

I get back home $23.56 lighter and start at the truck again. I grab the landlord's drill and proceed to take the wire wheel out of the chuck.

"Oh, sh*t."

Here's the equation:

Drill minus chuck key =a need for channel locks

Ali has toolbox =JJ has no channel locks =a need for creativity

JJ =MacGyver

So I'm on the garage floor with the jaws of a cheesy set of the landlord's pliers biting down on the drill chuck all the while doing my best to apply enough pressure to the grips with my knee as I align a flat head screwdriver in the proper place so when I hit it with the 3lb. hammer, it'll loosen up the death grip it has on the wire wheel then I can insert the $23.56 drill bit into it and ream out the holes on the center link I've been waiting on for over a month when...

 

*Brrinng*

It's Ali.

She forgot to tell me about the cute thing the dog did when she called me earlier.

 

So now I'm in the middle of the aforementioned contortionistic no-drill-chuck nightmare AND clamping a cell phone between my left shoulder and ear while whacking away at the end of a screwdriver only to realize amid all the distraction that I'm trying to turn the chuck the wrong way and tightening the stupid thing.

 

I set the drill and all down.

I love my Ali. I love my dog. I love to hear my Ali tell me about my dog. I figured I'd take a few moments and escape the torment of my project and listen to the cute thing the dog did in my absence (I won't go into it, but it was pretty cute).

Just then the biggest friggin' spider I've ever seen ran across the garage floor straight at me. I said to Ali, "The biggest friggin' spider I've ever seen is running across the garage floor straight at me!" I jumped back in horror as the eight-legged vermin (sensing my cat-like ninja reflexes, no doubt) stopped two feet short of me and assesed its prey. I'm not one to go down lightly nor am I too keen on this bug's attempt at home invasion and/or homicide, so I slowly, calmly reach for the 3lb. hammer.

My opponent is on to me. The beast quickly turns on it's heel (it's four heels?) and darts toward the safety of cover.

Albeit this is one burly arachnid (I swear it had a tatoo), it is nonetheless a lower lifeform and thus devoid of certain reasoning ability. The cover it chose was under my right front wheel which, if you remember, had been jacked up in the first few minutes of this debacle.

I grab the jack handle and with a quick counter-clockwise twist, I single-handedly (I'm still holding the phone with the other) dispatched the hairy menace of Padron Court to the nether regions of Hades. The unholy swine died with an audible, satisfying "pop".

No time to bask in the triumph over my foe, though. I've got a Pathy to fix.

I finish up with Ali's call and start at the drill chuck with the screwdriver and hammer again but this time, in the propper direction. After beating on this thing for a while, I finally get the chuck loose and pull the wire wheel out. I open it as far as it goes to insert this big 5/8" bit into it only to realize it's a 3/8" chuck. (Spider's revenge)

 

Fine, I'll go buy a...wait, everything's closed.

I take a few minutes and mope around the garage in disbelief, then I proceed to put everything back in order. I back the Pathy off the spider carcass and park it in the driveway, pick up all the tools (should just throw 'em away...stupid tools), clean up the bug goo, shut the garage and go back inside.

Defeated.

But fear not, my fellow NPORA brethren (and sistren), I will return tomorrow with the proper ordinance and take that hill. My will be done, dammit.

 

To cap it all off, I'm outta beer and my other dog is about to crap on the living room floor. Life is grand, ain't it?

 

JJ

Edited November 17, 2005 by jj big shoe

[94extreme]

sounds like you need some

 

get in the truck and get your tools

 

 

and the moral of this story is: cell phones SUCK!!

 

 

 

[Pezzy]

If I could offer you a couple beers from here I would!

[RedPath88]

That's Great!!.. umm to read I mean... not for you.

 

I have been in similar situations (so many times it hurt to even think about it) so I feel your pain... that really sucks!

 

Looking forward to your followup detailing how you conquered the hill

[Slick]

can't help but laugh.. I've had tooooooo many days like that!!

I hope you rise above and conquer....

[Precise1]

LMAO... Any you said you weren't a creative writer !! What are you trying to do, get me to shat my spleen ? I've spent 5 minutes catching my breath, wiping up beer and drool just so I could respond !

Sorry about the frustration with the installation job... I've been there many years ago, not having any of the right tools, and it just makes 'normal' jobs a pain in the arse !! I have to say you should have read the directions more than 5 minutes before the job and not tried to finagle it with out real tools. As manly as I am, I have learned that already... What, are you going to screw up installing the skid plate I made you ?? Maybe, that required drilling also... Ok, I'm done being dad...

Um, you just explained why I have steadfastly refused to get a cell phone. I get plagued enough as it is, I have NO desire to be on call for BS for the rest of my life !! Holding strong so far, wish me luck !!

Holy crap about the spider, but I'm glad it didn't get ya and drag you down a hole and lay eggs on your stomach !! I hate big bugs like that ! Yeah, arachnid... it's a big F-ing bug !! Glad you got the bastage, and keep your eyes peeled before you try to do the work again... Maybe a buddy with a base ball bat or flame thrower would be helpful in case they are after you !

 

B

[94extreme]

LMAO...

Holy crap about the spider, but I'm glad it didn't get ya and drag you down a hole and lay eggs on your stomach !!

 

B

or have sex and eat him afterwards.

[RedPath88]

or have sex and eat him afterwards. 

I have no fear of spiders, but that was a visual I did not need... thanks MZ

 

[Mookie]

That is a great read!

[Runnerman]

That was 2 funny

[Dowser]

LMFAO

 

 

JJ.... that was EXACTLY what my life is like... To a TEE man. The Cell Phone thing especially. I swear man It was like I was wrote it myself. I can't tell you how much that made me laugh. I never realized just how funny it was to hear from this point of view before since I'm always the one telling the story to a room full of laughing friends. :furious: I'm with Precise on this one. I need a new spleen. When I read ANYTHING automotive related that says Estimated Job Time, I multiply it by 5 to give me the Real Time Allowance. At any rate, that was a really good read man. Very Descriptive and Perfect for visual reinactment. Lets hear how it turns out.

 

Dowser

[Oliver]

Holy flirking shnit! That was about the funniest thing I have ever read. I do love the way you dispatched that unholy beast. Hope it all goes together well.

[Casey.T]

JJ,

 

Dude I feel for ya :contract: Been there done that

 

Upon review and hindsight, the solution did present its self:

 

Ali why dont you grab the tool box, some beer/wine/Jack(for Slick) and take-out and we can have one last Snuggels here? :idea:

 

Other than that, ya its a blast. I took a friday off to install my Calmini and spent most of the day running around with Honey Doos and Dam I need a what??

[GrimGreg]

Redundant tools are needed. I have multiples of most basics and usually in places they will be needed.

[sw]

been there done that also

 

Great story JJ

[jj big shoe]

UPDATE:

 

Unfortnately, there's no real progress to report other than I bought a cordless drill combo today after work.

The instructions (yes Precise, I read them) said the battery needs to charge for 9 hours before use. So naturally, I'm back out in the garage every hour or so drilling a little bit on the idler arm (I said I read the instructions, I said nothing about heeding their advice) until the battery drains down. Slow going, but I figure it'll be that much less to do tomorrow evening when I finish this excercise in frustration and spank it's monkey arse.

It shoud be a piece of cake tomorrow (famous last words) since I'm pretty sure I have everything I need now (more famous last words).

Oh, and thanks for the kind offer Pezzy, but this boyscout is now prepared for any unforseen trauma with a 12 pack of Corona chillin' in the fridge...make that an 11 pack *hic*.

[94extreme]

yeah, we are ready for chapter 2. good luck my man.

 

*takes a whole bunch of steps back*

[Revco]

So...I get home from work last night at 11:45PM after a 17 hour day of pure hell and pop on NPORA to see what's new. Come across this and I'm like "Great...some fricken' long post about some install that went awry...ahh...what the heck...I'll read it." To my surprise, I enjoyed every minute of it! Grrrrreeeaaaat storytelling! It was just what I needed after the day I had...thanks!

 

Do keep us updated on the escapades!

[Mr. Pickles]

Dude, welcome to every F'n project I ever tackle. Its been reduced to "but hon, it will only take a couple hours..." only to be reminded "YEAH RIGHT! Oh, and don't hurt yourself, genius!" But screw it. Grab some tools, some brew, shut the phone off, and just sit for a few while meditating on the fruit of your efforts. "Its only money. Its only time. I've got a whole live to waste them both..." *insert beer*

[Pezzy]

It shoud be a piece of cake tomorrow ...

Oh, well now 'yer fuggered!

[Harbinger]

LOL poor JJ, I feel your pain though -- My garage is also plauged with large arachnids and a strange lack of beer. Did I mention that I also leave my cell phone INSIDE when I have to concentrate on anything in the garage?

 

 

Congrats on a new CL though!

[94extreme]

so, the spider must have come back, eh? when do we get paid?

Edited November 21, 2005 by mzxtreme

[jj big shoe]

UPDATE:

 

All is well. I finished the install at about 2:00am on Friday, the night before some friends of mine flew into town. I had to pull the all-nighter so they could use my other car while Ali and I are at work (Why am I making the payments on the Acura? I never seem to get to drive the stupid thing). Anyway, the big, beefy dogbone is all bolted in. I just need to get an alignment, afterwhich I'll start on the super-cool prototype UMHU skid plate that Precise sent me. Hopefully, that day's project will be finished before sunrise and won't warrant another rant.

[94extreme]

:cool2:

[Precise1]

Cool, glad you got it all in and were not attacked by chitonous demons !! Again !!

 

I'll start on the super-cool prototype UMHU skid plate that Precise sent me. Hopefully, that day's project will be finished before sunrise and won't warrant another rant.

 

Well, it's actually UHMW (Ultra High Molecular Weight) polyethylene and yours is anti static, but it's all good. For the install, please, all you really have to do is drill three holes, if it takes more than an hour it's your own damn fault !! Good luck.

 

B