94extreme Posted August 8, 2005 Share Posted August 8, 2005 How to read a Haynes manual… Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise. Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. Haynes: This is a snug fit. Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer. Haynes: This is a tight fit. Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer. Haynes: As described in Chapter 7... Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox. Haynes: Pry... Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into... Haynes: Undo... Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size). Haynes: Retain tiny spring... Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the hell did that go?" Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb... Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two). Haynes: Lightly... Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer. Haynes: Weekly checks... Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it. Haynes: Routine maintenance... Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned you... Haynes: One spanner rating. Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it up? Haynes: Two spanner rating. Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you). Haynes: Three spanner rating. Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days. Haynes: Four spanner rating. Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you? Haynes: Five spanner rating. Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again. Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this... Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Haynes: Compress... Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer... Haynes: Inspect... Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one" Haynes: Carefully... Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions. Haynes: Retaining nut... Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust. Haynes: Get an assistant... Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know. Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed. Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs. Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal. Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places. Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs... Translation: Snap off... Haynes: Using a suitable drift... Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer. Haynes: Everyday toolkit Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone Haynes: Apply moderate heat... Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer. Haynes: Index Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vengeful Posted August 8, 2005 Share Posted August 8, 2005 Hahaha...it's so true. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unccpathfinder Posted August 8, 2005 Share Posted August 8, 2005 good stuff... just gave me a good idea of writing a "redneck/shadetree repair manual" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
94extreme Posted August 8, 2005 Author Share Posted August 8, 2005 lol.. there is one of those out there too.. it's been a long time since i've seen it but if you come accross it, link it up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Precise1 Posted August 8, 2005 Share Posted August 8, 2005 My God, that is so true !!! Thanks MZ, I was laughing. Haynes: Carefully...Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions. And the next step will include the use of solvents... Haynes: Retain tiny spring...Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the hell did that go?" I have done this enough times that now when working on something with a high sproing (or pinggg ) factor I fab up a capture box out of a cardboard box and some celophane. This has saved me several hours of tediously sifting the gravel in the driveway, combing the lawn, or vacuuming the carpet and picking through the lint !! B Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jj big shoe Posted August 9, 2005 Share Posted August 9, 2005 Hahaha! That's good! I've renamed "retaining clips" to "Jesus clips" in my vocabulary because once you pop one of those little suckers off and it goes flying, Lord knows where it went. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vengeful Posted August 9, 2005 Share Posted August 9, 2005 I generally just pick up a bunch of extra springs/clips when I'm getting the parts I need...or if I ever see R50s in the junkyard I scour every relay, fuse, screw, clip etc out of it that I can fit into my toolbox...then I dont have that problem, and they never go flying, because I'm prepared for it...wouldn't you know it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slick Posted August 9, 2005 Share Posted August 9, 2005 ROLMAO! How true! :contract: Haynes: Weekly checks... Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it. Haynes: Routine maintenance... Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned you... yah.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pezzy Posted August 9, 2005 Share Posted August 9, 2005 heheh,,, it's funny cuz it's true. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedPath88 Posted August 10, 2005 Share Posted August 10, 2005 LOL, that's great.. and soooo true! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TerranoNZ Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 *Digs this oldie up* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pezzy Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 Nice bump! Still funny as hell! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slick Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 Haynes: Carefully... Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions. Haynes: Retaining nut... Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust. Haynes: Get an assistant... Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bobby Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red87Path Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 aint that the truth. when i look through my manual i ask myself if i even have the right manual. i have to check the cover to be sure cause its like my rig aint even covered in it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Precise1 Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 Yep!! Good Digging Tex!! Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...Translation: Snap off... Thats me. If it's plastic, I WILL break it, no matter how hard I try not to... B Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedPath88 Posted June 1, 2008 Share Posted June 1, 2008 Thats me. If it's plastic, I WILL break it, no matter how hard I try not to... B :sigh: Broke some plastic on the Pathy yesterday Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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