For everyone who has a daughter and those who have dated them -

[DavefromOZ]

My Daughter is only 5, but I have started to draft an application, let me know what you think.

 

 

 

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

 

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

 

NAME____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

 

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA Grid_____________

 

INCOME TAX FILE NUMBER _________________ DRIVERS LICENSE ________________

 

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

 

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ POSTCODE______

 

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No

Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No

If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________

 

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

 

If less than your age, explain

____________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

 

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

 

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

 

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

 

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

 

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

 

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No

pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

 

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION

AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

 

 

ESSAY SECTION:

 

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

 

______________________________________________________________

 

______________________________________________________________

 

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

 

______________________________________________________________

 

______________________________________________________________

 

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

 

______________________________________________________________

 

______________________________________________________________

 

 

REFERENCES SECTION:

 

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

 

How often you attend ________________________________________________

 

When would be the best time to interview your:

 

Father? _____________

 

Mother?_____________

 

Priest or Pastor? _____________

 

 

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

 

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

 

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

 

______________________________________________________________

 

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

 

______________________________________________________________

 

C: A woman's place is in the:

 

______________________________________________________________

 

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

 

______________________________________________________________

 

E. What do you want to be IF you grow up? _______________________________

 

______________________________________________________________

 

______________________________________________________________

 

F: When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

 

______________________________________________________________

 

G: What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________________

 

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO

THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,

INDIGENOUS AUSTRALIAN BULL ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION,

CHINESE WATER TORTURE and RED HOT POKERS

 

_________________________________________________________

Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

 

 

_______________________________ ________________________________

Mother's Signature Father's Signature

 

_______________________________ ________________________________

Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State or Federal Government Representative

_______________________________ (Their stamp goes here )

Notary Public

 

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.

Please allow four to six years for processing.

 

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (You might watch your back)

 

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.

 

 

 

Daddy's Rules for Dating

Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):

 

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

 

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

 

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

 

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

 

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

 

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

 

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting theSydney Harbor Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

 

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool, places where there is darkness, places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay. Cricket games are okay...Old folks homes are better.

 

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

 

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[beavis0076]

I love it! I have just fowarded this to my dad who has 2 daughters. He thanks you.

[BowTied]

LMAO!

[Kingman]

Lmao!

[tekazgtr1984]

That's solid gold!

 

[InfinQX4]

I hope you don't mind I copy that and send it to a friend - That is classic!!

[unccpathfinder]

nice...reminds me of that song "cleaning my gun" and my HS teacher that answered the door with his 45 for every guy that came over just to see the reaction

[beastpath]

hahahaha.

[busup]

BWA HA HA HA, I dont have a daughter yet, but I printed this out for when I do. I also added a rule,

#11-If you hurt my daughter in anyway shape or form, don't worry, I will forgive you as long as you come out deep sea fishing the next day with me, I have a 24 foot fishing boat & we can get REALLY FAR from the island where the BIG FISH eat!!

Edited April 22, 2009 by busup

[Cyril]

LMFAO .

 

Onya Mate , I've got 3 Daughters .

[TheCrow]

Mine she is 6 years Old and i see the sun rising and setting thru her , so I am adopting this application , with the additions to be developped as we progress .

 

One change on the rules i would make , if you make my daughter cry , I'll make you swalow your own teeth .

 

I think most of the fathers will be adopting this .

[filthyphil]

Mate LMFAS

I have a daughter and one on the way

so this will come in handy in 10 to 12 years

 

Edited April 22, 2009 by filthyphil

[Ramon]

is very good not all question apply in Mexico but is good for me my daughter have 4 years old I call her Sandra how do you call yours?

[Precise1]

That was great, Dave. I think you have just made yourself famous!!

(I'm passing this along to a few fathers I know)

 

B

[jadm4x4]

hope you dont mind ill put in an aplication for my 5 year old son. Dylan. But ill grap a copy for my three year old daughter. But then again im a single dad. Have to get them out of the house adventualy.....lol

[DOA]

What's wrong with an earring?

[DavefromOZ]

hope you dont mind ill put in an aplication for my 5 year old son. Dylan.

 

I'll get back to you in 15 years mate, takes that long to process an application these days.

[IBT]

Priceless, Great Post Mate. Have a 19 year old daughter myself. I often think of just buying a Tank (Sherman, Panzer or otherwise & parking it next to the pathfinder! Lol. Cheers.