csutke Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 Taken from another forum, I thought they were funny CANADIAN JOKE # 1 After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Molson Canadian sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?" The Molson Canadian president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I." CANADIAN JOKE #2 A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?" "I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob. "Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade." CANADIAN JOKE #3 An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie. He went to the neurosurgeon and asked, "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?" "Sure it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie.." He was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the neurosurgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain." The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?" CANADIAN JOKE #4 Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia? The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back. CANADIAN JOKE #5 In Canada, we have two seasons...six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling. CANADIAN JOKE #6 One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in each of their pints. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!" CANADIAN JOKE #7 A Quebecer, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge. "Toilette pepper!" yelled the Quebecer. CANADIAN JOKE #8 An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. "Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St.Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here." "That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?" "Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LD50 Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 Those jokes suck. Lets fight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LD50 Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 (edited) When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in 0 gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. ---------- Q: What do you call the sweat produced when two rednecks are having sex? A: Relative humidity. Q. How do you castrate a redneck? A. You kick his sister in the jaw! ----- Seriously, when are we going to fight? Edited February 2, 2008 by LD50 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zonianbrat Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 Oh you silly Canadians!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BowTied Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slick Posted February 3, 2008 Share Posted February 3, 2008 When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in 0 gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. ---------- Q: What do you call the sweat produced when two rednecks are having sex? A: Relative humidity. Q. How do you castrate a redneck? A. You kick his sister in the jaw! ----- Seriously, when are we going to fight? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STOMPER Posted February 3, 2008 Share Posted February 3, 2008 Here's one: An American, a Japanese and a Canadian were sitting naked in a sauna when suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm, and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained "That was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand." The Canadian felt decidedly low-tech, but not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the toilet. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Canadian finally said "Well, will you look at that! I'm getting a fax." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adamzan Posted February 3, 2008 Share Posted February 3, 2008 (edited) An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie. He went to the neurosurgeon and asked, "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?" "Sure it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie.." He was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the neurosurgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain." The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?" You know you're from ottawa when you've been cut off in traffic by a car only to realize they had a Quebec plate. Not really a joke, but still kinda funny You know you're from ottawa when you constantly complain about the lack of good bands that come to town because they always skip from Toronto to Montreal Edited February 3, 2008 by redfinder Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zibi Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 Hah, I was expecting to be mildy offended but those were awesome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
87pathmaker Posted February 8, 2008 Share Posted February 8, 2008 Since I'm an Alaskan Now, I can post jokes about both The lower 48 and my neighbors to the east. Lower 48: 1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. 11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House. (think Clinton) And now: It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No," says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs and not use it?" The neighbor says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head "No, they're all at the funeral." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deej Posted February 10, 2008 Share Posted February 10, 2008 How can you tell if there is an American at your party? Answer: He'll tell ya! Maybe only my Canadian friends will get this one.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Simon Posted February 11, 2008 Share Posted February 11, 2008 How can you tell if there is an American at your party? Answer: He'll tell ya! Maybe only my Canadian friends will get this one.... LOL. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
87pathmaker Posted February 12, 2008 Share Posted February 12, 2008 Thats funny! The only thing is, everytime I've gone to Canada (Whistler, Victoria, Vancouver BC), They picked me out like I was a suspect in a murder line up.. like I had a freakin stamp on my forehead. . . and then "..blah blah blah, war this, f- america, war that, I love the queen (j/k )... " then I'd by them a beer and all of a sudden I'm invited to the after party Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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