Diary Of An Englishman

[DavefromOZ]

August 31

Just got transferred with work from grey old London to our new home in

Newman, Western Australia. Now this is a town that knows how to live!

Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset

from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found

my new home. I love it here.

 

September 13

Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living

in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car.

What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a

sun-worshipper.

 

September 30th

Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks.

No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th

The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used

to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies

off a bit. Acclimatising is taking longer than I expected.

 

October 15th

Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my

body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got to

respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

October 20th

Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work

this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had

died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the

upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat ****. I've learned my lesson

though: no more pets in this heat.

 

October 25

This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant ****in' blow dryer.

And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the

repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to

order parts from ****in'Perth.

October 30th

The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived

for the ****in' aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three

nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why the

hell did I ever come here?

November 4

Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature

down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 30.

Stupid repairman.

 

November 8 If one more smart arse says "Hot enough for you

today?", I'm going to ****in' throttle him. ****in' heat! By the time

I get to work, the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking

****in' wet and I smell like baked cat!

 

November 9 Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts,

and sat on the black leather upholstery in the ol' car.

I thought my ****in' arse was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh,

all the hair on the backs of my legs and my ****in' arse. Now the car

smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat!

 

November 10

Weather report! It might as well be a ****in' recording. Hot and sunny. Hot

and sunny, Hot and ****in' sunny! It's been too hot to do anything for two

****in' months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next

week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn ****in' place. Water restrictions

will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the

****in' pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the

****in' flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a

dozen of the ****ers!

 

November 20th Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 ****in' degrees

today. Now the air conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came

to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the

$2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid

****er. ****in' Newman! What kind of sick, demented ****in' idiot

would want to live here!

 

December 1

WHAT!!!! The first day of Summer!!!! You are ****in' kidding!

[nismothunder]

So it gets hot there ehh...

[Pezzy]

Meanwhile, up in Canada:

 

The Diary of a Snow Shoveler

 

December 8

6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

 

December 9

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

 

December 12

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

 

December 14

Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!

 

The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.

 

December 15

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer.

 

The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

 

December 16

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for one hour, which I think was very cruel.

 

December 17

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.

 

Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

 

December 20

Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice.

 

Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

 

December 22

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to poop. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

 

December 23

Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

 

December 24

6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the man who drives that snowplow I'll drag him through the snow by his nose and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!

 

Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow.

 

December 25

Merry -bleeping- Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

 

December 26

Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

 

December 27

Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1400 to replace all my pipes.

 

December 28

Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE WITCH is driving me crazy!!!

 

December 29

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

 

December 30

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up where the sun don't shine. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

 

December 31

I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

 

January 8

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

[Precise1]

Beautiful!! Both of them...

 

You guys should check out NorCal.

 

B

[nismothunder]

truthfully,winter isnt all that bad,snow is fun and theres really nothing else to do other then fish and wheel and bird hunt...

[GrimGreg]

Ripped off from:

 

Arizona Diary

 

 

May 15th: Now this is a state that knows how to live! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

 

June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 108 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car, work in an air-conditioned office. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.

 

June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

 

July 10th: The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.

 

July 15th: Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed two days of work; what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

 

July 25th: Dry heat, my butt. Hot is hot! The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the A/C repairman charged $250 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

 

July 30th: Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,600 in damn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

 

August 4th: 115 degrees! Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $1,200 and gets the temperature down to about 90. I hate this [expletive deleted] state.

 

August 8th: If another wise a** cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to tear his [expletive deleted] throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and no deodorant works well enough!

 

August 10th: The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and Sunny. It's been too hot to sleep for two damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this barren damn desert? $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the [expletive deleted] pool. Even a cactus can't live in this heat.

 

August 14th: Welcome to Hell! Temperature got to 120 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the [expletive deleted] windshield out of the BMW. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1,600 house payment to bail me out of jail.

 

August 30th: Worst day of the damn summer. I'm not leaving the house. The [expletive deleted] monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell. The BMW is now floating somewhere in Mexico with its new $500 windshield. nobody told me about staying out of the washes during a "flash flood" warning. That does it. We're moving back to California and buying a house next to the freeway for some peace and quiet.

[nismothunder]

Diary of a yuppie deer hunter.

 

 

Nov.7

6:05 am

Well its finally hear,my first deer season,I'm currently in my $400 dollar Real Tree ladder stand with the twin cup holders and the safty rope that attachs to my neck...Its really beutful out,A slight chill in the air but not thats to bad.

6:15am...well the weatherman said to exspect high 50s today and I dont know who he thinks he's kidding...But my termostate on my rifle stock is reading 61...*note,take rifle to berepaired for giving wrong temp*

6:30...I cant feel my ass,my feet hurt and theres nothng out hear but squirrles and chipmonks...wtf,I thought I was deer hunting,but I have yet to see a fignal one...more later.

7:10,Been a while since I recorded any thing...so far nothing,I'm begining to think this whole deer hunting thing is BS,I mean come on...I'm out hear for like a hour and yet I havent seen any thing...more later.

 

7:45 well I got a deer,Its a mega buck,the rack is huge and its a manly looking deer...I am prepairing to gut it.I think after its cleaned it while go 250 easy.Well I'm now prepair...wish me luck.

 

9:30ish,Well I'm finished have pulled my truck up next to it,I'm trying to load it up,he is a big fella...

 

1:27pm

So I get my buck to the weigh station and I see all the others guys deer which are puny compaired to mine.I pull up and drop my tail gate and the owner walks over and says he cant weigh it,...I'm like wtf this is my buck and I want it weighed why wont you weigh my buck.The guy say,'well show me a buck and I'll gladly weigh it,but that aint no buck'

wtf you mean its not a buck,it has horns on it dont it?'Well, first of all,it does have horns,but its a cow,didnt the collar and bell give a you hint that it wasnt a deer?'

Nov 18.

Just got my be...venasin back from being processed...I must say its has a almost beef like taste...cant wait to go hunting next year...