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Mitch Hedburg quotes


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Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." No @!*%, every picture of you is when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." @!*%, where'd you get that camera man?

 

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As though there's any other way you could take it in. You're not special. That's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.

 

 

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".

 

 

An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

 

 

I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender....all you do is say what the @!*% does, and add "er". I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps @!*% fresh. Well that's a fresher ....I'm going on break.

 

 

On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd did you get that banana?

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