How to Trim Your Cat's Claws

[vengeful]

If you would like to successfully trim your cats nails....follow these directions.

 

Step 1: Gather up all the required equipment. Feline Claw Cutters, Towel to wrap the cat in and a comfortable place to sit.

 

Step 2: Wrap the cat in the towel and kneel on the floor.

 

Step 3: Place the wrapped cat between your legs.

 

Step 4: Grab paw to extend Claws.

 

Step 5: Start cutting claws one at a time, being careful not to hit the "quick."

 

Step 6: Retrieve cat from refridgerator.

 

Step 7: Wrap cat in towel and replace between legs.

 

Step 8: Cut another claw.

 

Step 9: Search for neosporin and Butterfly enclosures to place on gash to face.

 

Step 10: Retrieve cat from under bed.

 

Step 11: Place band-aid on new scratches.

 

Step 12: Wrap cat in towel and place back between legs.

 

Step 13: Attempt to cut another claw, only to have cat slither out from between your legs, ripping a big hole in your pants and cutting open your thigh.

 

Step 14: Place gauze on gash on thigh because you have no more band-aids.

 

Step 15: Retrieve cat from attic.

 

Step 16: Soak cat in water (He'll be less pissed about the nail trimming).

 

Step 17: Complete trimming nails.

 

Step 18: Go to emergency room to get stitches on your face, chest, arms and legs.

 

Step 19: Buy new pants.

 

Step 20: Repeat again in 30 days.

 

[max_stryker]

HAHA and my favorites

 

Step 13: Attempt to cut another claw, only to have cat slither out from between your legs, ripping a big hole in your pants and cutting open your thigh.

 

and

 

Step 18: Go to emergency room to get stitches on your face, chest, arms and legs.

[Pezzy]

I would swear B wrote that...

[Slick]

welcome to "fatherhood" venge! lmao. and ya know... 99% of that is TRUE that's what's scary maybe that's why i prefer dogs? they're big babies to have their nails trimmed sly

[SC88Pathy]

This is why I'm glad our dogs are outside dogs, and the cat is an indoor/outdoor cat. Their claws wear down naturally.

Well except for Ritas fifth claws that are further up on her front legs. Those ones periodically get really long and then they fall off. Gracie had those removed when she was a puppy.

[GrimGreg]

We only trim one of our cat's claws because he keeps them as sharp as kitten claws if we don't.

[nycxice13]

I wouldnt trim a damn thing, get a scratching post

[Precise1]

LOL, pretty much true. It's amazing how a house cat can maul a creature with 10x the mass (you).

 

I would swear B wrote that...

 

Heh, thanks, but I would never cut a cats claws. Thats just so wrong...

 

This is helpful if you need to give your cat a pill...

 

How to Give Your Cat a Pill

 

 

Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in palm of right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

 

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

 

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

 

Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

 

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

 

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down side of ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

 

Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Hummell figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

 

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down cat's throat through drinking straw.

 

Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

 

Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

 

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

 

Ring fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Remove last pill from foil-wrap.

 

Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves in shed, force cat's mouth open with a small wrench. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

 

Get spouse to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

 

Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have cute puppy for sale.

 

B

[max_stryker]

HAHA. was this highly exagerated like dans cat story?

[TeenZombie]

All I got is a dog, but my girlfriend has a bunch of cats and one of them just recently had three kittens and another one just recently had one kitten so I will fill her in on those trimming details.

[Pezzy]

While we're at it...

 

METHOD #1: CAT BATHING AS A MARTIAL ART

 

1. Know that although the kitty cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, we recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

2. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. We recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

3. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)

4. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have now begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

5. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

6. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg.

7. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

METHOD #2: FLUSH 'N FLUFF

 

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).

CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power wash and rinse' which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

 

Sincerely,

 

The Dog

[max_stryker]

LMAO

 

The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much

 

is this a canadian record? or internationally held?

[dagwoodzz]

Step 3: Place the wrapped cat between your legs.

 

Stop right there. I won't read any more.

[Precise1]

*snort*

^ an inteligent man !!

 

B